She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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