we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
