the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
