Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
