If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
