He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can I color on your dick again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
