No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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