I CAN MOONWALK!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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