He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
