How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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