I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
