mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
