I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
