He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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