just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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