Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
