You can't motorboat a personality
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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