I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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