does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
