Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
