I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
