don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
