I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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