I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
