3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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