you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
