The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
