In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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