Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
