I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
