Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
