to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize