I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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