I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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