Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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