I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
