There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
