dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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