mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My feet surprised me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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