if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
wanna go halves on a baby?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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