This is not my ceiling
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
