Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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