Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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