I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
