the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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