It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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