Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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