fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
