Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
