why didn't you poke me back
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
