if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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