I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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