Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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