My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
