Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
