she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
