I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
