I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize