omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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