I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
