you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
