I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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