I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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