Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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