im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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