I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
