You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
