I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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