the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
